I’ve been going back to my college
days and reading about the “self”. As a undergraduate psychology student I was
fascinated with the idea of personality and self definitions. What was the self? Did it really exist? Was
there only one “true” personality type or did we each posses many? Did
personality change with time and circumstances or was there one true definitive
self.
I’ve been reading things from Karen
Horney, who back in the 40s and 50s along with Freud, Jung and the others, were
interested in childhood influences on personality disorders, like the
dissociate disorders I was writing about last week. Given the era, they called
them “neurosis” and the people suffering from them “neurotic” which seems a bit judgmental by today’s use of
language. However, the descriptions of the mental states and coping mechanisms does
seem to capture the fractures in personality and psyche that can occur with
childhood trauma.
I’m posting these notes here more
as a placeholder for me than anything else. If you’re like me and curious about
such things, you might find it interesting.
ROOTS OF NEUROSIS IN CHILDHOOD
People who become neurotic basically grow up in environments that are not safe.
The dependence we have as infants creates a basic anxiety in all of us. If we
are growing up in a family that does not provide a safe place for us, we turn
away from ourselves, develop a strategy for safety that makes us more
vulnerable than ever.
Some childhood/parenting circumstances that cause neurosis:
- ·
Manipulative parents
- ·
Indifferent parents, and
parents who offer no real guidance or direction
- ·
Parents who are
harshly critical of the child as a person, their value and worth
- ·
Parents who force kids
to take sides between them
- ·
Parents who make promises
and don’t keep them, contributes to feeling that you can't count on people
- ·
2 poles --either
putting the child on a pedestal or not paying attention and giving recognition
when the child does something good.
An environment which contains
these elements translates to kids, "This isn't safe." They start to
look for ways to be safe and this is the beginning of neurosis.
THREE STRATEGIES
A child who does not feel safe starts to develop a strategy. (In healthy
development, people use parts of all these. In unhealthy experience, they
exhibit one very dominate strategy and fixate on it throughout their life).
MOVING TOWARD. Reaching
out, joining with, coming together, cooperating, meeting, giving, being
affectionate, compassionate etc. We all need this, but if it's excessive, it
becomes a COMPLIANT STYLE so we
can't not move toward in any real way. If we’re moving toward inorder to stop
the abuse or neglect, to be compliant (versus compassionate) to the needs of others. Today it's called
"codependence." This is neurotic because if someone is being nasty
toward you, moving toward them is not the order of the day. In fact, it’s
self-defeating, and probably reinforces their behavior. Moving toward has a bit
of a bad rap now because of all the codependency stuff in the air, but
basically it’s rather healthy, if exhibited by a person who is seeking a
connection and ntimacy from someone capable and willing to give it.
MOVING AGAINST. This
is an AGGRESSIVE STYLE. In a non-neurotic
form, it's assertiveness and clear boundaries. An ability to differ, argue,
state your case and dare to be different. In its neurotic extreme, the person
characterized by this style has boxing gloves on all the time. They're good
blamers. Motto: Strike before being struck. If this is all you do, you're a
pain to be around. Aggressiveness is also inappropriate when used because you're scared of
intimacy and attack in order to fend it off and to get away from it.
MOVING AWAY or the DETACHED STYLE. Ability to move away,
be contained in yourself, befriend yourself, enjoy solitude, to not be in
relationship. Like the "moving towards" or "against" strategies, this ability to move away is an important ability for all people. But when this is extreme and a coping mechanism in the absence of "real" danger, detached people are simply gone, period. They don't feel their
bodies or their emotions. They fear physical and emotional closeness. It causes
them to disappear. Sex is very separated from relationship. May be
super-intellectuals living in their heads, or feel as if they "on a
spiritual path" by renouncing wants and needs, but are really not dealing with their
anger. Detached people can seem mild-mannered, the "nice guy”, albeit rather
aloof. They won't choose on their own behalf, they will often let others or "the
universe” vote for them.
A wholehearted person has access
to all three of these modes. The normal person has access to all these modes when
appropriate.
Many neurotics have a dominant style (one of those above) and in a pinch they
move into a secondary style. Like compliance serving the purposes of
detachment.
ENVIRONMENTS AND THEIR EFFECTS
- Compliant: early years often are spent "under the
shadow of someone." Example-- in the family you were only able to get
attention by being submissive, agreeing, being “good” and subordinating your
true and whole self.
- Aggressive: early environment is often characterized by
gross neglect, abuse, brutality, or hypercritical behavior.
- Detached child: early
environment characterized by cramping, stifling influences that were so subtle or
so powerful that rebellion and assertiveness doesn't work. The detached child
finally just withdraws or opts out.
NEUROSIS AND GROWTH
The good news from Horney is that people NEVER LOSE TOUCH WITH THE TRUE SELF,
no matter how weird they got as kids. Another way to view neurosis is as an
attempt at growth in very difficult circumstances. But unfortunately, WHEN OUR
ENERGY IS WRAPPED UP IN PROTECTION AND IMAGE, IT'S NOT AVAILABLE FOR GROWTH. The
protection is never enough. So we develop other protections, like developing huge
blind spots that prevent us from seeing what we're doing. And the tendency to
see conflicts as "out there" rather than "in here". The Detached type for example bemoan all the
aggressive, feeling-driven people out there as the reason for the interpersonal
problems they are experiencing.
LATER STAGES OF NEUROSIS, can be characterized
by:
·
EXCESSIVE SELF-CONTROL
(because I can't afford to feel my real feelings). Neurosis is a central lie,
and then I have to do a whole lot of stuff to protect the illusion.
·
A lot of CYNICISM, especially seen in detached
and aggressive types. They often feel like they can’t make a difference, that
other people have more power and control and shouldn’t be trusted with it.
·
FEAR-- of going crazy,
of being seen for the louse I really am, of being found out, etc. Because part
of the person knows their image isn't really who they are and so they
experience fear in situations that might expose them without their defense
mechanisms.
·
FEAR OF CHANGE. (If I
move one more brick out of place, the whole edifice could crumble).
·
USING OTHERS and
SADISTIC trends. Living at the expense
of other people. A distorted kind of trying to be OK. So hopeless about their
own lives that they turn this anger and abuse outward against others. Compliant
types can insinuate their way into your life and kill you with kindness. Their
ability to convince you that they can't live without you which is a kind of sadism.